Department of Mary Sues: Anime Division
by Hikari no Mononoke
Summary: Mary Sues have taken over the Slayers, and it's up to two PPC agents to contain the damage. Disguises, lies, and Mary Sue bashing ahoy!
1. Queen of Sues, Part 1

DISCLAIMER: We own nothing. Not the Slayers, not the PPC, not Miss Cam, OFUM, MUSM, Teena, Wyldehorse, nor the story we PPC'd. Well, we do own ourselves, and Laih owns her Minis, but other than that, nada. If you feel the need to flame or bash us in any way, go ahead! We won't laugh at you if you flame us in a cohesive manner, and we'll probably listen to some of the things you say. Just do it in the reviews. We don't want your angry emails clogging up our inboxes. Sorry!  
  
It was a perfect sunny day. The birds were singing joyfully, the trees were a brilliant shade of green, and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. All of this beauty was absolutely wasted, however, on the agents dwelling inside the PPC headquarters. The fact that the building had no windows may have had something to do with it. Wandering around the soulless, bleak interior was a smiling agent by the name of Laih. Laih had just emerged successfully from her Mary-Sue assassination training, quite pleased with the remarks given to her by her teachers. Little did she know that the teachers said the same things to everyone, just to get agents out into the various fields. The Marquis de Sod, Director of Personnel, was swamped trying to find enough agents to protect the various Continua from the evil blights they now faced.  
  
Laih cheerfully meandered through the hallways, running her fingers absentmindedly along a scorch mark on the wall. It had been an hour and a half since the Sunflower Official had called her to its office, and Laih was completely and totally lost. How was one supposed to find an office if everything looked the same? Sentient plants had no sense of interior design and decoration. Finally, Laih spotted a brown haired girl wandering the halls. The girl, obviously another agent, was wearing a black tee shirt with a potted cactus logo on the sleeve. She had headphones on, and Laih could hear strains of a German band coming from the speakers.   
  
Excuse me, she asked, tapping the girl on the shoulder. Could you tell me where the Sunflower Official's office is? I've been looking for it for a while now.  
  
The girl took off her headphones. You're a newbie, arencha? Well, the only way to find anything around here is to not look for it!  
  
Sorry? I don't really understand.  
  
Just distract yourself! If you're distracted, then you won't notice the time, and you'll be there! The girl put her headphones back on and started singing loudly to the music. She turned a corner and was out of sight.   
  
Ah, okay! Thank you for your time! Laih called, smiling. Well, that made sense, she supposed. Now all she had do to was think of a way to distract herself. She didn't have any music, or anyone to talk to, or any gum to snap loudly. Well, maybe she did, but it was buried in her duffel bag, and Laih was to lazy to dump all of her belongings into the middle of the floor to root for stuff. Besides, that could trip some other hapless person, which wasn't very nice. She would just have to be creative and think of another way to be distracting! Maybe she could hum, or hop on one foot, or-  
  
BANG!  
  
  
  
Laih had been so busy thinking of ways to distract herself that she bumped into a wall. It was a dead end. Upon closer examination, however, Laih was able to discern faint lines in the wall the same shape and size of a door. She knocked on the door, a gentle, timid rap. Maybe whoever was inside would know where the S.O. was!  
  
The door swung open mysteriously. At least, it was mysterious to Laih. She hadn't touched it. _Come in, come in. You're so late that it's unbelievable. _What good luck! She found the Sunflower Official's office!  
  
Excuse me, Mr. Sunflower Official, sir! I am very, very sorry! I couldn't find your office! You might want to consider painting your door a different color. I could barely tell that there was a door at all! Erm, I'm not entirely sure what gender you are, I don't even think plants can have genders, but can I refer to you in the masculine form?  
  
_Yes, yes, that's fine. Just get in here._ The sunflower looked rather disgruntled, for a plant anyway. _Well, at least you showed up. I can't tell you how many times newly trained Agents skipped out. Welcome to the Department of Mary Sues. _  
  
Thank you, sir! I'll do my very best to utterly decimate any and all who harm the Continuum! Laih replied cheerfully.  
  
_Right, then. Since you know Japanese cartoons better than you know Lord of the Rings, and since we only have two agents in the anime Continua as of now, you are being assigned to the Department of Mary Sues: Anime Division. Your partner has already reported to me and is waiting in your new home. All of your equipment is, I trust, in working order from your training?_  
  
Yes, sir!  
  
_Good. Visit the store if you have any other needs. Makes Things will provide you with any and all instruments you break. Here, take this._ The flower pushed a scrap of paper towards Laih with its leaves. On it was scribbled a number. _This is your response center number. I wrote it down so you wouldn't come back and ask me again when you forgot. Now get out of here. I want you gone ten minutes ago. I have work to do.  
_  
Thank you sir! Bai bai! Laih called, exiting swiftly. She looked at the paper. Room 17905? Or is it room 72485? Plants cannot write! Oh, well! I'm sure I'll find it eventually! Now that girl with the German music said that in order to find anything, I have to not be looking for it, right? Okay! Laih said, shifting her duffel bag more comfortably on her shoulders and smiling happily. She proceeded to stick her fingers in her ears, whistle the national anthem loudly and off key, and walk backwards. A sight such as this was not uncommon in the PPC headquarters.   
  
She stopped when she hit a door someone just swung open. Itai! There has got to be an easier way to locate things.   
  
Are you all right? the someone who opened the door asked.  
  
Laih replied, looking at the door number. It was neither 17905 nor 72485. It was 1258. Well, it was better than nothing!   
  
said the someone, reentering the room.   
  
As she looked around, Laih noticed that there were other doors close by. One of them was numbered 17906, and another 72484. The one directly across the hall was 1999. Below the number was scribbled in black marker CLAMP Central'. Laih grinned at the joke, and wondered who lived in there. Figuring she was close to where she needed to be, Laih poked her head into the room. she called. Anyone here?  
  
I'm here! a female voice called. Who're you?  
  
Ano... I'm Agent Laih, DoMS: AD, and I think this is where I'm supposed to be! Are you looking for a new partner, by chance?  
  
Correct! C'mon in. I'm Mimarhan. I'm a new agent, too. Hey, you're the girl from the hall. Sorry about that. The room was getting stuffy, so I opened the door for some air. You should be more careful, though. When you walk around backwards, you tend to bump into things. Laih peered at the speaker, a short, skinny girl with close cropped orange hair and glasses. She was wearing a black tee with the potted cactus logo as well, but this cactus had a large sweatdrop near its top.   
  
Mimarhan tossed Laih a shirt. Here's your uniform. Drop your junk wherever you feel like it.  
  
Do they usually partner two newbies together? Laih asked, dumping her duffel bag next to the utilitarian couch. Not much here by way of decoration, is there?  
  
Nope. And, no they don't usually have two newbs together, but the Marquis de Sod is desperate for agents. Competence is an option, I guess.   
  
Are there any other anime agents?   
  
Sure. Teena and Wyldehorse are just across the hall, actually, Mimarhan said, waving her arm in the vicinity of the door. In the CLAMP Central' room. I met them when I was waiting for you. I think they be gone on a mission now, but when they come back, we can go bother them.  
  
Sounds good! Laih exclaimed excitedly. How wonderful this all was! Mimarhan noticed Laih's happy expression.  
  
Hey, Laih? How hard did you hit your head? What's the deal with that goofy smile? You haven't stopped grinning like an absolute idiot since you got here.  
  
I'm just really happy! I always am!  
  
What, like Soujiro from RK? Mimarhan asked, wary of anyone who repressed his or her emotions until the breaking point. Breaking points were always, _always_ messy.  
  
You know, you are the twelfth person to ask me that! No, I can feel anger and sadness and everything, I guess. I just never do! I'm usually pretty happy! Laih responded, smiling.   
  
What, like Milly Thompson from Trigun? You look like her, come to think of it.  
  
Yes! That's a good description, actually. That's me, always smiling!  
  
Even though Laih seemed sincere (and innocent) enough, Mimarhan was still disturbed. What was a happy, simplehearted girl doing in an _assassination_ department, for crying out loud?   
  
I don't know! Maybe I'm just really centered? Laih said unconcernedly, fishing a water bottle out of her duffel bag and taking a sip. Or really uncentered. I'm not sure which, yet.  
  
Hn. Well, I'm going to sleep. Don't wake me. Mimarhan said, lying down on the couch. She was asleep in an instant. Laih looked at her sleeping partner, and decided that sleep was good. She lay down on the floor, and closed her eyes.

Laih, get up! Something was calling her. Laih grunted, and shifted to bury her face into her duffle bag, which was now doubling as a pillow.   
  
Laih, get up! The something was now shaking her, and speaking more loudly.  
  
Get your cheerful butt up! The same something had now reduced to kicking her awake. Laih, not big on pain, sat up, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.   
  
Whazzit? Whasamater? she asked, disoriented. Her partner was looking down at her, grinning.  
  
C'mon! Teena and Wyldehorse just got back from their mission! Let's go talk to them. Mebbie they can give us tips and stuff, Mimarhan said walking out the door. Laih got up, ran her fingers through her hair, and followed suit.  
  
They knocked on the door across the hall; Laih was not sure what to expect. Mimarhan didn't give any description of the senior agents. They heard the sound of two voices, and several growls. Laih was beginning to get worried. Surely there wasn't anything inside PPC HQ that was dangerous to an agent?   
  
The door was opened by girl with a long braid. Who're you? she asked.  
  
Uh, I'm Mimarhan, the new agent you met earlier, member? This is my no-longer-MIA partner, Laih.  
  
I'm very pleased to meet you! Laih exclaimed, bowing in the Japanese fashion. The girl returned the bow.   
  
Welcome aboard! I'm Teena, and the girl surrounded by the various Minis is Wyldehorse. C'mon in! We'll help get you started. Careful, there's a lot of crap on the floor. The two newbies entered the response center, trying very hard not to step on anything. This was difficult, as two otaku pack rat agents with a small room collect a lot of stuff. Mimarhan stumbled on a small hot plate and teakettle, almost stepping on a Mini-Balrog.  
  
KAWAII DESU NE!! Laih squealed at the sight of the Minis. I want, I want!! How can I get?  
  
Hyper, innit she? Wyldehorse asked Mimarhan.   
  
I guess so. What's really weird is that she's happy all the time. Snot natural, Mimarhan replied. Wyldehorse nodded sagely. Laih was currently trying to play with Gadnalf. The Mini was enjoying it, but Laih was looking worse for wear. She had large singe marks on her pants, and her light brown hair was smoking slightly.  
  
Erm, Laih, you may want to wear oven mitts before you play with the Minis, Teena said, trying to remove the tall agent from the Mini. Miss Cam lets you adopt the Mini-Balrogs. Poor things, they're spawning left and right. No one can spell names. I don't get it. Here, you can ask her very nicely and she'll probably let you have one.  
  
Laih said, beaming. She was going to get a Mini! How exciting!  
  
You probably want to know the basics, right? All training teaches you is grammar, spelling, characterization, and aim. It's not very good about field work; the Flowers that Be are so desperate for agents that they kinda cut corners, Wyldehorse said. Well, let's just do a basic rundown of charges and equipment. Which of you is the Weapons master, and which is the Magic master?  
  
Laih and Mimarhan looked at each other. I was much better with weapons in training, said Mimarhan proudly. You name it, I could use it. Swords, guns, slingshots, arrows, weapons of math instruction, anything. I like muh weapons.  
  
How wonderful! I was much better at casting spells in training. I mean, I can _kind_ of use a sword or dagger, and my aim's not _too_ bad, but magic is more of my thing. It all works out so nicely! Laih stated cheerfully. When you think about it, it's almost like a plot device, she added thoughtfully.   
  
Yeah... Moving on. Wylde-chan, why don't you show Mimarhan your tricks of the trade, and I'll show Laih mine, Teena said, taking Laih aside. Ready, kid?  
  
Yes, Teena-sempai! Laih said, beaming.Mimarhan and Laih strode out of CLAMP Central' two and a half hours later, both girls quite pleased . The two senior agents had been a veritable mine of insider information (tidbits left out during training such as FOR THE LOVE OF KAMI-SAMA, STAY AWAY FROM FANON!JUSENKYO!'). Teena and Wyldehorse also generously donated some of their various Bleep products, which greatly aided PPC agents with Sue- induced headaches. Or Sue- induced mental scarring. Actually, the Bleep products helped with everything Sue- induced. With their arms full of goodies, Mimarhan and Laih entered their own bland response center. Mimarhan dumped the stuff onto Laih's duffel bag.  
  
Well, Laih, I think we're ready to do this thang.   
  
I agree. But we have to wait for the computer to tell us when to go, don't we?  
  
Yeah, we do. So I guess we wait.  
  
The two new agents sat down on the couch in their response center. They stared at the computer expectantly. Of course, nothing happened.   
  
Nothing's happening, and I want a Mini. I'm going to write to Miss Cam! Laih declared, sitting down at the computer. She began to write, expecting any moment now for the tell tale beep of a mission. The Narrative Laws of Comedy ordained it to be so!   
  
Nothing. The Laws must have been on a lunch break. Either that, or they were tormenting some other hapless team of agents. Mimarhan, bored with watching Laih and the computer, began going through Laih's stuff.   
  
Got anything interesting in here? Mimarhan asked. Laih sent the note, requesting to adopt Glorifindel and Thundrell, to Miss Cam via a passing janitor, and turned to her partner.   
  
It's very rude to go through someone's things, you know, she said, looking serious. But I don't mind! I'm always happy to share my anime collection!   
  
Cool beans! You have FLCL! Quite possibly one of the trippiest shows out there. Oh, and you have FAKE! Yummy yummy shonen-ai! Mimarhan continued her inventory of Laih's anime products. It was then that Laih noticed something. Mimarhan had not put away any of her things. In fact, Laih didn't see of the other agent's things anywhere.   
  
Ano, Mimarhan? Where are your things?  
  
Hmm? Oh! My junk! I forgot! I dumped it all into the supply closet. I really wanted to go exploring. I didn't decorate anything cos I was wandering around HQ. By the by, I found out where the cafeteria is. Anyway, let's do some otaku decorating while we're waiting for our assignment. Mimarhan said, dashing to the closet. When she opened the door, she bonked her head on a small platform.  
  
the small agent groaned.  
  
Something wrong? Can I help? Laih asked cheerfully.   
  
I hit my head! I don't remember that being there earlier! Ow! What is that thing, anyway? Mimarhan said, rubbing her head and glaring at the platform.  
  
Oh, yeah! I remember this from training! Our closet's an anime library. If I recall correctly, that little doohickey next to you is a Summons. You just type in the series title, narrow down by subsection, and any and all material pertaining to your search will appear on that little podium you hit your head on. I don't think that it has merchandise, just the shows and manga. You're supposed to use it for character exorcisms. They never told me the technical stuff, or where all the anime is stored, Laih mused.  
  
Guess it must be a division of hammerspace. How cool is this? We'll never have to buy anime ever again! Now all we have to do is find the time to read and watch it all! This is great! I'm gonna try it out! Mimarhan said, eagerly typing in Cowboy Bebop' and squealing in delight as the entire series appeared on the platform. She pushed the done' button, and it vanished again.  
  
We have a place to put our stuff, at least! I hope the closet will stay organized. I'm a pretty messy person, Laih said, putting her duffel bag in the corner.  
  
Me, too. Must be an otaku pack rat thing.  
  
Come on, Mimarhan! Let's prettify our room. It's not nice to look at, now. And when we slaughter enough of t3h 3v1l, we can use their stuff to decorate, too! Oh, I'm so excited! Laih said exiting the closet. She started to put up her wallscrolls of her various lust objects. Mimarhan looked at her partner strangely. Hearing Leet being spoken was always odd. The short agent shrugged and then went out to join in the decoration spree with her own posters. If you can't beat em, join em.  
  
Just as the two girls were really getting into things, (Mimarhan was perched on top of Laih's shoulders in an attempt to put a couple more posters up on the ceiling) there was a noise.   
  
**[BEEP!]**  
  
The girls were so caught up in their balancing act that they didn't notice.   
  
**[BEEEEEEP!]**  
  
Still nothing from the agents.  
  
**[FOR THE LAST TIME, BLOODY BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!]**  
  
Laih exclaimed, startled. She turned around quickly, forgetting that her partner was still balanced upon Laih's shoulders. The short agent fell to the ground with a thud. Oh my garden, Mimarhan! We've got a Sue! We've got a Sue!   
  
Vondervall. Now read the Words to me. I don't think I can stand right now.  
  
Ooh, it's a Slayers Sue! At least Zelgadis-san isn't the lustee in this one. It's Gourry-san. She must die in a tortuously slow and painful manner. Laih said, smiling broadly and clenching her hands in a fist so tight her knuckles turned white. Lina-san is so out of character that it's painful. Gourry-san's IQ was lowered a bit, but that's to be expected. Silly fangirls! Zelgadis-san is on permanent PMS, and Amelia-san seems to be the standard Fanon!Amelia. Oh, Sylphiel-san is there, too. It must be after NEXT. You don't even see that much of anyone except the Sues. The canons have become bit characters. Sad, sad. Ooh, how wonderful! There are two of them!  
  
Two what? Sues? Laih nodded, and Mimarhan groaned from her spot on the ground. How long is it? Mimarhan asked, gingerly picking herself off of the floor. Laih was a tall thing to fall from.   
  
Eeto, it's not long at all. I'm not sure how long the charge list will be, considering that there's not much action.  
  
If Upstairs sent it, then there must be enough, Mimarhan declared.   
  
Standard troll should do it. Lina-tachi is in a tavern, how original. Laih walked over to the computer and hit some buttons. The disguises are in place! No one should see us except the Sues, or unless we deliberately step into characters POVs. Just like in training!   
  
Duffel bags with goodies and equipment?  
  
Check and double check! I packed my CD player, CDs, cards, last year's Halloween candy, sunglasses, and neuralizer. I don't know what you packed, though. Oh, and the CAD is in my bag; it'll get broken in yours. All of your medieval weapons are in there!  
  
Mimarhan hit the remote activator's buttons. Spokey dokey, then. Lesgo! she said, jumping into the portal after grabbing her bag. Laih quickly followed suit.

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	2. Queen of Sues, Part 2

Welcome back! This monstrosity is too long for one chapter, according to ff.net, so we're gonna break it into a couple parts. Same disclaimers apply.  
  
The two agents had portaled just inside of the nameless town's limits. said Mimarhan. I guess my aim is a little off. I wanted to take us directly to the inn. Yare, yare, can't do much about it. Laih, we're gonna walk.  
  
Lookit, Mimarhan! We're so... animated! We've got black lines around us and everything! said Laih excitedly.  
  
Yeah, cool. My trollish pecs are huge. Look, I can wiggle them! Hee hee, this is fun! Hey, why do trolls only wear loincloths? What is up with that? How can I wear my swordbelt with this huge waist?  
  
Actually, Mi-chan, your waist is disproportionate to the rest of your body. We've both got barrel chests and tiny waists and kind of stubby legs. No one said trolls were the prettiest! Laih replied cheerfully, admiring her new long clawlike nails. Besides, trolls have healing powers. We can't die!  
  
I know; we have to look like something that could conceivably kill something else in the canon. Bandits rarely wander into towns, but trolls are known to do so Hey, wait a minute... Mi-chan? Mimarhan replied, less than excited by her new nickname.  
  
Well, Mimarhan is kind of long.  
  
... Whatever. Let's go. I don't want to be here longer than possible.  
  
Mi-chan? Are the edges of the town supposed to be flickering like that? It's making me kind of sick. Laih asked. Mimarhan glanced at the town limits. Sure enough, they were not definite, but growing and shrinking almost too quickly for the eye to follow.   
  
I guess the author didn't say how big the town was. Ew, your right. It's making me sick too. It's almost seizure inducing! Mimarhan said, turing away from the blinking buildings. As the two walked closer to the inn, Mimarhan began to arm herself. She pulled out a swordbelt and a small dirk from her black duffel bag, donned them, and strapped a large club to her back.  
  
Clubs are crude, but they get the job done. I think that's enough for now, don't you? Laih nodded in response, not really paying attention.  
  
As they walked, Laih noticed a crowd gathering. Hey, Mi-chan, is this where we're supposed to be?  
  
According to the Words, yes. Let's go watch behind that tree. That way, there's less of a chance of people seeing us.  
  
The two agents settled in a dark, concealed area close to the Sue's window and watched as the Words began.  
  
_ The statuesque blonde sat part way out the inn's window, seemingly looking at nothing, thinking of nothing. Just enjoying the cool night breeze after a long hot day. Moonlight played on golden hair, which cascaded down a sculpted back, covered only by a loose fitting shirt. Blues eyes sparkled like the stars in the night sky, reflecting the light from the lanterns that lined the street._  
  
The agents watched as the moonlight engaged in a vicious game of rugby on the golden hair. Laih wondered why the girl wasn't screaming out in pain after a particularly nasty flying tackle. Having something land that hard into one's scalp _had_ to hurt.  
  
Ano, Mi-chan? Is that the Sue? She's not moving.  
  
I suppose that's what happens when you describe something as statuesque'. She's rather vacant. The author is writing sentence fragments, ooh I hate those! It's something for the charge list, Mimarhan said, delicately holding a pencil between her claws and writing down the charge on a dot HACKsign notepad.  
  
Here's something else! You can't see how sculpted someone's back is if he or she is wearing a loose fitting shirt. All my comfy clothes cover me right up! Laih said, happily thinking about all of her worn and faded apparel. Unless, of course, the shirt is see-through, she added as an afterthought.  
  
The agents stared as the shirt on the statuesque Sue suddenly became transparent. Laih! Why did you have to say that? Ugh! I don't want to see her naked! Gross! Mimarhan exclaimed in revulsion.  
  
Well, technically, she is wearing a shirt! Laih pointed out cheerfully.  
  
How can you be so blithe about this? Why aren't you scarred for life? Oh, this is definitely something for the charge list. Man, I am so glad that Teena and Wyldehorse gave us that Bleeprin. I need a lot of it to erase that mental image. Wonder if the store in HQ has Brain Bleach? Mimarhan wondered aloud. Oh, by the by, do you want first kill?  
  
Since there are two of them, we can each charge one and kill one! Laih replied happily.  
  
You're kind of scary. No one should be that happy when talking about assassinations, Mimarhan said, looking askance at her partner.   
  
Shh! A bit OC is coming! Laih shushed.  
  
_ "A goddess," Shaymann breathed. This was the second night in a row he had stood outside the small inn. He had caught his first glimpse of her merely by chance while making deliveries for the local grocer the day before.  
  
_In a small town, there aren't grocers. Most people grow their own food. There's a small market to trade and buy goods, but not really a grocer. And not one who would deliver, Mimarhan pointed out.  
  
But Mi-chan, the author didn't say whether it's a small town or a large town, Laih replied. She looked puzzled. Are we sure that's the Sue? Something seems off to me.  
  
Oh, well there's an informed opinion.  
  
That's not very nice, Mi-chan. Remember, in training we had to rely on instinct! So that's what we have to do here! Laih said primly. One box of pocky says that's not the Sue.  
  
You're on, Mimarhan replied, eager for free pocky.  
  
_ She was doing much the same thing she was doing now, sitting in the window and looking surreal.   
  
_The two agents watched in amazement as the supposed Sue transformed into something out of a Salvador Dali painting.   
  
Wow. I didn't know your skin could be so liquidy! Laih breathed in amazement. I just adore Dali! His stuff is so great!  
  
It looks like her bones just disappeared! Trippy, Mimarhan added. Something else for the charge list._  
  
He spent the money he had earned that day on a bouquet of wild flowers, which he now held in nervous hands.  
  
_ Both agents burst out laughing. Oh, man, what a _moron_! What kind of idiot buys wildflowers? Especially since _Slayers_ is set in a medieval-esque era. Lots of fields and forests everywhere! And all towns and cities are next to very underdeveloped areas, Mimarhan said between gasps for air.  
  
Yep! All you have to do is go pick your own! But I guess there are people who spend their hard earned money on something they could go make or get for free. How silly! The flowers are rather sad-looking, aren't they? All droopy and limp, Laih remarked.  
  
I guess it's cause most wildflowers look like weeds, Mimarhan replied.  
  
I wonder if I can cheer them up? Laih wondered.  
  
No. They're just flowers. The author didn't personify them in any way. Don't be ridiculous, Mimarhan chided.  
  
_ It was now or never.  
There was no way of knowing when she would leave town and thereby leave him forever; no one stayed at an inn for very long. He pushed his way through a small group of young men who had also stopped to gaze at the vision of alabaster and gold._  
  
Now she's a real statue! Laih noted. So it doesn't matter that she's wearing a see-through shirt. Michaelangelo's David was nude, too! But, artistically speaking, statues made of stone aren't usually gilt. It looks funny. Besides, most classical sculptors working in a medium such as alabaster wouldn't want the piece to be marred with another color. You know, white stone should stay pure. I think.  
  
Good. Something else for the charge list.  
  
_The crowd took a collective gasp as the figure ran a hand through long glistening locks and turned to face them. Shayman drew up his courage.  
"Uh... for you," was all he could say before tossing the flowers up towards the second floor window. His heart began to fall as it looked as though the flowers would miss the window. His sanity began to fail when the object of his desires leaned out the window and snatched the flowers from the air with the reflexes of a jungle cat.  
  
_Suddenly, there were two identical men. One was holding a bouquet of wildflowers, the other had tossed them. Laih was confused.   
  
Why are there two of them?  
_  
_ Well, that's just plain sad, Mimarhan said, shaking her head.  
  
What is? You didn't answer my question, Laih replied.  
  
The author can't even spell her own OC's name correctly! That's why there are two of them. We have to kill one of them, I think.  
  
Okay! Which one? Laih asked.  
  
Dunno. Hey, Laih? Why do you s'ppose that this guy is going crazy if the Sue caught the flowers? That doesn't make sense, Mimarhan wondered.  
  
It's cuz I'm right. I still don't think that that's the Sue. And as fun as it could be to kill this so-called Sue, we could get in trouble with Upstairs, Laih said, beaming.  
  
You are absolutely certifiable, you know that? Mimarhan muttered under her breath.  
  
You say something, Mi-chan?  
  
Ah, nothing. The last thing Mimarhan wanted was for her tall partner to reply to that comment.  
  
_"Whoops! Got 'em!" Gourry said hanging from the window ledge by a hand. "Gee, thanks! I love wild flowers."  
Shaymann could only nod numbly, as his dreams of youth lay gripped in the all to masculine hands of Gourry Gabriev, wandering mercenary. Dejectedly, the forty-year-old Shaymann began to make his way home. His wife would have dinner ready soon and the kids were probably home from school by now._  
  
The girl in the window suddenly transformed into a guy. A canon character, to be exact. He was still wearing the see-through shirt, though.  
  
It's the amazing gender-bender _Slayers_ doll! Watch a canon transform into a Sue and back again! Mimarhan said in an announcer voice.  
  
I win! I win! Yay! I told you something was off! Whee! I'm so happy! Laih cheered. You owe me pocky!  
  
Yeah, yeah, whatever. How did you know?  
  
Actually, Mi-chan, I cheated. I looked ahead at the Words. I just forgot for a little while! Laih replied, beaming.  
  
In that case, go get your own pocky, cheater, Mimarhan snapped, clearly annoyed.   
  
Uhm, are there schools in the Slayers-verse? Laih asked, changing the subject.  
  
There are secular schools, where you can train to be a priest or Shrine Maiden. This is where you learn how to read and translate clerical texts and practice White magic. There are the various magic Guilds, where you can learn Shamanistic or Black magic. Any of those schools teach you how to read. Tradesmen take apprentices. So the answer is yes, except when it's no. In this case, however, the author said this guy was a bag boy. Hee, a forty year old bag boy, how depressing. I'd be tossing flowers at a Sue, too. Anyway, he's not going to be in the upper class, and therefore unlikely to send his kids to a Guild or a temple. His kids would most likely be apprenticed, or married off. Those schools cost money, which this moron spends on wildflowers.  
  
Oh. Good to know!  
  
_ Gourry retracted himself from outside his window and waved at the dispersing crowd, although it should be noted that quite a few stayed enchanted beneath his window. Sniffing the flowers, Gourry smiled at how amicable the people here were. Too bad they would be leaving tomorrow.  
  
_ Ano... Mi-chan? Laih asked tentatively.  
  
What is it? Mimarhan replied neutrally, still a little annoyed at her partner's duplicity.  
  
We have to kill the OC now, the one who didn't go home to his wife and kids. Lookit, there he is! He's just standing there, Laih said, pointing to the bit OC.   
  
Sure enough, the man stood there, staring blankly at the window. The assassins walked up to him, and Laih waved her hands in front of his face to see if he would notice. As expected, there was no reaction from the man.   
  
Spokey doke, I'll make this painless for you. You're just an unfortunate bit who shouldn't exist, Mimarhan said from behind the man. She flipped out her knife from her belt. Holding him steady, the short agent stabbed the man in the lower back, angling her knife to slip under the ribs and into the kidney. He jerked and collapsed into a heap on top of Mimarhan.   
  
Wow! That was so cool, Mi-chan! Laih exclaimed in admiration, helping Mimarhan out from under the body.  
  
Quick, clean, and relatively painless. That reminds me, do we have to kill this guy's original? Mimarhan asked, wiping the blade with a cloth before stowing it back in her bag.   
  
No, I don't think so. This town should either vanish once we kill the two Mary Sues, or become part of canon. Let's dump this guy's body in the outskirts of town. It should flicker into nonexistence, Laih replied, hoisting the dead body onto her shoulders.   
  
Then why did we have to kill this guy if the town vanishes after the Sues are dead? Mimarhan grumbled.  
  
Laih said happily.  
  
Mimarhan sighed loudly. Fine, whatever. She punched the buttons on the remote activator, and they stepped through. The agents wound up some fifteen yards away from their entry point. Laih strode over to the blinking borders, easily carrying the dead weight of the bit character. She tossed the body into the flickering outskirts. The agents watched with satisfaction as the body started flashing in and out with the scenery. Soon it was gone. Mimarhan reopened a portal to the inn, landing closer this time to her desired destination. Let's see what the Words have to tell us now. I think the rest of the action takes place inside the inn, the short agent said.  
  
Laih nodded. Yep! We have to go into Gourry-san's room. Eew, we meet the real Sue this time, and she's really icky!  
  
Icky? How so?  
  
A so-called lemon scene.  
  
Eew. You're right. She is icky. Teleport there, or walk up?  
  
Mi-chan, what do you want to do? I'm fine with whatever you want! Laih said beatifically.   
  
You do more than just border on creepy, you know that? No one should be this genuinely nice! We're porting.  
  
Mimarhan punched some buttons on the remote activator, and stepped through, Laih following close behind. The agents had portaled into the hallway, right outside of Gourry's door.   
  
Mi-chan! You're getting better! This is the closest yet! Good job!  
  
Hush. I wanted us to portal into Gourry's room, but whatever. Lesgo. Careful, I think the Sue is already inside. We can't kill her yet, but we can be seen by her. Also, if you're loud enough, we'll attract Gourry's attention, and I _know_ I can't beat him in a sword fight. He's way too good. So be quiet! Mimarhan growled, upset that she missed her target destination again.  
  
Hai, Mi-chan! Laih said with a smile. The two agents crept very carefully into the room. They silently tiptoed along the wall to a very dark corner away from the bed and window, praying that they wouldn't be seen by the Sue. Inn rooms were not very large, after all. Fortunately, there was a large armoire next to the corner the assassins had selected. Mimarhan and Laih arranged themselves behind it, effectively hiding from the Sue's eyes. It was a good thing they had disguised themselves as relatively small trolls. Mimarhan had taken out her sunglasses and neuralizer though, just in case, and nudged Laih to do the same. Better safe than sorry, as she always said.  
  
_ Gourry retracted himself from outside his window and waved at the dispersing crowd, although it should be noted that quite a few stayed enchanted beneath his window. Sniffing the flowers, Gourry smiled at how amicable the people here were. Too bad they would be leaving tomorrow.  
"Friendly town," he said to no one in particular as he turned towards his bed. He was quite surprised when someone answered.  
"Isn't it, though."_  
  
Mi-chan, how can you retract from a window? I thought that only cat claws and statements could be retracted, Laih whispered, softly enough to only be heard by Mimarhan. The short girl shook her head.  
  
Charge list, she replied, just as softly. That's the Sue on the bed. Observe and charge.  
  
  
  
The Sue in question looked around. Apparently, Mimarhan and Laih were louder than they thought, or the Sue had exceptional hearing. They crouched, frozen, until the Sue once again focused her attention on the blonde swordsman.   
  
_The room was dark, the only light coming from the full moon, which shone through the window. Gourry could not see the woman who spoke, but he knew it was a woman. He could also tell by her voice that she was in the direction of his bed. Unfortunately, his sword was also by the bed. Gourry wasn't the smartest man alive, but his journeys had taught him one thing: not to underestimate someone because of their sex. Seeing as how this woman had sneaked into his room without his knowledge, and quite aware of the type of people, he and his group usually ran befoul of, he decided not to take any chances._  
  
Laih looked over her partner's shoulder to see her writing something down in the notepad. It looked like abuse of commas! Slipping past G. **not** acceptable,' but the tall agent couldn't see very well. There was enough light from the moon to let Mimarhan write, but Laih somewhat disapproved. Her mother always told her that whenever you wrote, you had to have good light. However, if Mimarhan didn't writing this down, then they probably wouldn't have enough charges to condemn the Sues to death.   
  
_ Slowly he reached towards the desk next to him, and in quick motion, picked a chair up over his head and rushed the bed.  
"WHO ARE... r... r... 'ROWR'" Gourry stuttered out, the chair falling from his hands and hitting him on the head. Didn't feel a thing though.  
Just as he had reached the bed, a slender hand reached over to a nearby candle and lit the wick.  
  
_Both agents looked up. Did he just say Laih whispered.   
  
Yes. Yes he did, Mimarhan whispered back in a too calm voice.   
  
So, he has jungle cat reflexes, can retract himself from a window, and he says rowr.' Did Gourry-san turn into a cat? Laih whispered again, eyes wide.  
  
Charge list. Also adding to the list the fact that the chair fell from his hands, Mimarhan whispered in response. She pointed her CAD at the swordsman, mindful to set it on mute before she did so.  
  
Gourry Gabriev: CANON CHARACTER Status: 89.7% OOC CHARACTER RUPTURE HOLY APHRODITE IN A BOWL OF PACKING PEANUTS!!!   
  
Mimarhan quickly pointed the instrument down, scowling. Out of curiosity, she pointed the instrument at the Sue in the bed.  
  
name unidentified: NONCANON Status: MARY SUE!! _Middleschoolicus builtlikeapornstarricus_ species. ELIMINATE!!! ELIMINATE!!! DESTROY!!!!!! KILL!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Mimarhan turned the machine off before it started shooting lethal lasers at the characters.  
  
Look on the bright side, Mi-chan! It didn't break! Laih whispered.  
  
_ Lying profile in the bed, bathed in the soft, warm, flickering light was a young woman with darkly tanned skin, perhaps seventeen-years-old. She was wearing one of his spare shirts, which reached just far enough down her slender frame as not to be revealing, but far more torturing. Her head was canted on the soft down pillow, her white hair splayed about and her eyes boring into him. An arm was sprawled across the bed, while the other rested along her shapely torso. Her hand traced small circles on her all to exposed thigh as her chest rose and sank gently with each breath.  
Gourry gulped; being a man in his early twenties forces beyond his control were beginning to rise within him.  
The woman's smile was a knowing one as she leaned over and blew out the candle.  
It was a DAMN FRIENDLY town._  
  
We leave. Now. Let's go. Out, Mimarhan whispered, making a stealthy bee line towards the door. Laih didn't say anything. She hurried over to the door as quickly as she could without alerting the Sue, but she stopped long enough to grab the see-through shirt. They shut the door and sprinted down the stairs to the inn's common room.  
  
Not something I wanted to see in my lifetime. Give me Bleepka. Now, Mimarhan commanded.   
  
Mi-chan there's a bottle in your bag. You should get it yourself, Laih replied. Her normally cheerful visage was gone. In its place was an expression of horror. That was terrible! This takes place after NEXT, right? Well, canon hinted in a not so subtle way that Lina and Gourry are a couple, right? So, why? Lina and Gourry are perfect for each other! My head hurts.  
  
Mine too. This is a killable offense. Gourry's not that stupid! He knows that Lina associates with Mazoku, so why would he sleep with a teenage hooker he doesn't know?  
  
Blue balls? Laih asked innocently.  
  
I beg your pardon! Mimarhan exclaimed, shocked.  
  
Well, his relationship doesn't seem to get anywhere with Lina, does it? Still, that's no reason for him to go sleep with whatever lands on his bed. He should know better! Laih grumbled. Suddenly, her face resumed its normal cheery countenance.  
  
What's up with you? I thought you were just as scarred by that scene as I was, Mimarhan grumbled, finally fishing out a bottle of Bleeprin. She groaned when she realized she would have to swallow it dry.  
  
I just realized something! It is a killable offense! We can kill her now! Isn't that just _wonderful_? Laih exclaimed, truly excited. We get to be heroes! We save canon! This is so wonderful! Oh, I'm so happy! And I got a souvenir! Laih proudly held up her trophy. Mimarhan just stared at her partner. Laih continued, We don't have to do anything until tomorrow morning at breakfast. What do you want to do? I picked some guy's pocket in the crowd, so we can afford a room and-  
  
Y'know what? Mimarhan interrupted. I'm gonna give you a nickname now, too. Agent Laih of the Moral Ambiguity. How can you tell me what's nice and what's rude and then you go and pick some guy's pocket? How do you even know how to pick pockets?  
  
Well, his pocket wasn't really a pocket, it was a money pouch, and it was low to the ground. Anyway, the guy was really rich, he could afford to lose some spare gold. Besides, the S.O. didn't give us any fundage at all! And I don't really want to sleep in the Flickering, do you?   
  
The what?  
  
The Flickering! What else would you call the borders of the town?  
  
... Point.  
  
See? There you go! I was gonna share with you, so it's not that bad! And I'll return whatever's leftover to the man tomorrow, okay?  
  
Hey, Laih, I don't really care. I'm not the one sleeping with your conscience.  
  
  
  
Nevermind. Let's go get a room. I'm tired, Mimarhan said, standing up from the table. She started walking towards the innkeeper, motioning for Laih to follow. Laih jumped up and rushed over to Mimarhan, and left all the room negotiating to her short partner. After getting a room key, the two girls (and their equipment) climbed to their room and went to sleep, but not before Laih had neuralized the poor innkeeper. He really didn't need to remember two (albeit small) trolls asking and paying for rooms like civilized people. The poor man had almost died of shock and fright.

**TO BE CONCLUDED**


	3. Queen of Sues, Part 3

You still here? Cool. Welcome back again. Same disclaimers apply.   
=======

It was Mimarhan who awoke first the next morning. She shook Laih, who was sleeping on the bed, (Mimarhan had lost the determining game of Rock, Paper, Scissors) awake. After gathering the necessary items, the two trudged downstairs to breakfast, where they saw several of the canons had already began their meal. Mimarhan waved over a terrified waitress, politely ordering their meal. The waitress ran off into the kitchen, and returned as quickly as humanly possible with their meals. Laih politely thanked her and smiled. The tall agent had quite forgotten that they were still in disguise.  
  
Excellent service here. We should leave a really big tip, Mi-chan.  
  
Just don't forget to wipe her memory when she comes back. I don't want us in trouble with the S.O. on our first mission.  
  
Hey, Mi-chan! Lookit that! Laih exclaimed, pointing at the Words.   
  
After I have coffee, Mimarhan grumpily replied. She was not a morning person, and it irked her to see Laih so chipper so early.  
  
Mi-chan, this is really important! Something just spawned! Laih said, grinning. It's so cute! Can I keep it?  
  
What? Lemme look at the Words.  
  
_ "I wonder where he is?" Syphiel asked looking towards the stairway leading to the rooms. Everyone, save Gourry, had come down to eat some time ago. Lina was already on her third course of her four-course breakfast._  
  
Sure enough, in the place where Sylphiel should have been sitting was a Mini-_something_. Mimarhan wasn't quite sure what it was a Mini of.   
  
Oh, it's so adorable! It's a Mini-Shabranigdu! I wonder what it eats. Come over here, cutie! That's right, you sweet Mini Mazoku, you! Laih cooed to the mini. It slowly ambled over to the tall agent. Oh, you are just the bee's knees! What do you like to eat, hmm? Laih continued her guessing and checking of the Mini's diet as it climbed into her lap. She was just ecstatic. Mimarhan looked over in mild interest.   
  
So, where're you going to keep it? she asked.  
  
In the response center. Syphiel will be very happy there, won't you, darling? Syphiel growled in response, contentedly munching on a rice ball from Laih's plate. The terrified waitress had come back to collect their plates, and nearly fainted at the sight of the Mini. Mimarhan put on her sunglasses, motioning Laih to do the same.   
  
Let's cover your eyes, Syphiel, said Laih, putting a hand over the Mini's eyes and neuralized the waitress. Mimarhan quickly pointed her in the direction of the kitchen, saying something about the orders for the table with the redhead. The waitress, still dazed, walked slowly into the kitchen, emerging with platters laden with food. She set them at Lina's table without once noticing at the agents.  
  
Mimarhan sighed in relief. It worked.  
  
_ "Who cares? Early bird gets the worm," Lina declared, devouring her morning venison.   
"Maybe he's just really really tired. I heard some strange noises coming from his room pretty late last night. Best to let him get his rest, the path towards universal righteousness is long and perilous," Amelia offered. "Right, Zelgadis-san?"  
"Eating."_  
  
Laih, do you have the CAD? Mimarhan asked, curious as to how OOC the Slayers were. Laih fished it out of her duffle bag with one hand, and cuddled the Mini with the other. Mimarhan grunted her thanks, and pointed the device at Lina first.  
  
Lina Inverse: CANON CHARACTER. Status: 35.7% OOC.  
Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun: CANON CHARACTER. Status: 52.2% OOC CHARACTER BREACH!  
Zelgadis Greywords: CANON CHARACTER. Status: 55.8% OOC CHARACTER BREACH!  
  
Sylphiel wasn't there, so Mimarhan couldn't point it at her. Instead, she focused on the Words.   
  
Incoming Sue, Laih. Heads up, Mimarhan warned the tall agent.  
  
Hmm? Okay! Do we kill her now?  
  
Not yet. We gotta get some charges first.  
  
_Syphiel stood. "I'm... I'm going to go and check on him," She said, worry evident on her face.  
Before she could get too far, the doors to the room burst open and a teenage girl with pale white skin and golden hair rushed in. Her green eyes searched the room frantically and she wrung her hands in impatience. Finally, spotting a waiter, she ran to him and grabbed him by the collar.  
  
_I'm still waiting for Sylphiel to show up, Mimarhan said dryly.  
  
Well, as far as Sues go, she didn't describe herself with over flowery description. It could have been worse! Laih said cheerfully.   
  
_"I'm looking for a man," she said shaking him, perhaps to hard as he crumbled to the floor. She sighed disgusted and went from table to table, asking everyone she came across.  
  
_Since when is hard' a verb? Mimarhan asked. Laih shrugged, restraining Syphiel from biting the Sue.   
  
Comma neglect! Laih said. Mimarhan wrote it in the notepad.  
  
_ "Lina-san, look! That girl... she's an elf," Amelia said, jumping on the table and pointing towards the woman.  
"AMELIA!" Lina shouted as her plate flew from the table, kicked by Amelia's foot. With an arm, she swiped Amelia's legs from beneath her and dragged Amelia towards her by the hair. Syphiel tried to separate the two, while Zelgadis continued to eat, having rescued his plate from the table before Amelia's leap._  
  
Laih released Syphiel, allowing it to wander around and eat the scraps flying from the table. Stay within eyeshot, love! she called out. The Mini nodded in response, and ate some of the bacon off of Lina's plate.  
  
It likes living dangerously, doesn't it? Mimarhan asked.  
  
Well, Lina's OOC right now, and hurting Amelia, so I don't think anyone will notice, Laih replied.  
  
So da na. Hey, how does Amelia know this girl is an elf? She only describes herself as a teenage girl. The last time I checked, teenage girls did not equal elves. Unless, of course, you're in the LotR Continuum.  
  
Yeah, kinda weird, isn't it. You'd think that Amelia, who was raised as a diplomat, would have a more controlled and suave reaction, wouldn't you? Laih said absentmindedly.  
  
_ All the activity drew the attention of the young elf, who rushed over to their table.  
"Excuse me, EXCUSE ME!" she shouted gaining their attention, though Lina refused to release the Halcyon Death Lock (tm) she had applied to Amelia.   
"I'm looking for a man."  
"Do we look like a dating service?" Lina spared a moment to address the elf.  
"You don't understand! A great prophecy is at stake here. I must find him," she pleaded._  
  
Hurray! Lina's first line totally in character! Laih cheered.   
  
No kidding. So I'm pegging this girl as a _Spawnificus repulsivum_. You want this one? I very much want to kill the slutty piece of trash that is clinging to Gourry like a barnacle, Mimarhan said angrily.  
  
So, who was Halcyon? Laih asked, feeding the Mini another piece of bacon. It seemed to like that greatly. You know, she addressed her Mini, I'm not sure if you're feeding off of Mimarhan's anger, or off of the food I'm giving you. You are Mazoku, aren't you? The Mini smiled secretively, or at least it tried to. It's hard to smile when one is a miniature lobster-like monster, and whose original was one seventh of the ruler of monsters. But Laih got the meaning.  
  
Mimarhan said, ignoring the entire exchange between the Mini and the agent, is someone I don't recall off the top of my head. I know who Halcyform is, though. And if Halcyform _is_ being referred to, then it's proof that this Sue saw NEXT, and so has no excuse for ignoring everything that happened in it.  
  
The two assassins boredly watched the Sue ramble about her destiny. Laih took interest when Amelia became grossly out of character, dragging Zelgadis along with her.  
  
Why does everyone think that Amelia eats, breathes, and sleeps her Justice schpiel? It's not like every word that exits her mouth is about justice. She's a very deep person! And if I recall correctly, Zelgadis doesn't avoid her like the plague, nor is he rude to her! Mimarhan wondered.  
  
At least, he's not rude once he gets to know her. How can he hate her if he took a blow from Gaav for her? How can he loathe her touch if he carried her almost the entire way to Phibrizzo's fortress after she bonked her head? Laih added, snuggling the Mini.  
  
Fanon!Amelia is screechy, annoying, and justice-enthusiastic, I give you that. But you definitely see her mature throughout the series, especially in NEXT. I think we can add that to the charge list. I don't even want to point the CAD at them. It'll probably short circuit, Mimarhan said, lazily watching the Words. Oh, hey, check it out! Our tramp Sue from last night has finally made her appearance!  
  
_"I choose my own destiny, Marigold. I am no slave to fate and don't need some dusty old prophecy to tell me what to wear in the morning. Unlike some elves," Marigold's sister said as she reached the bottom of the stairs.  
"Um, excuse me?" Lina interjected. "How can she be your sister? She has white hair, dark skin and looks to be a dark elf. You have snow white skin, the most golden hair I have ever seen and look like...."  
"I know, I know what it looks like," Marigold interrupted. "But she is no more a dark elf than I am. Her skin is as pale as mine is. We are actually identical twins to be totally truthful."  
"But..." Amelia said pointing to the dark elf.  
"It's make up and hair dye. A lot of the younger elves are doing it these days. It's this big dark, gothic fad." Marigold turned to face her sister. "I know what you're up to, Periwinkle. He's mine! It is written."_  
  
Both agents started laughing. Elves gone goth! Ooh, look at me, ph33r /y 4ng57!!11! Laih said, snickering.   
  
She's such a rebel, going against prophecy and all. We better watch out for her! Hey, wasn't there an episode or two in Slayers that had to deal with prophecy?  
  
I think so, Mi-chan. Wasn't someone named Filia in it? And there was someone else, oh, what was his name? Valgaav, right?  
  
Hmm, yes, that's right! I think they devoted an entire season to it! Gah! This is nauseating. We're almost done, though. Just some more really bad OOC lines. We have to watch to Gothy/Silicone Sue's rebellion, and listen to her change her stupid name into another stupid name, Mimarhan said with exaggerated patience.  
  
_ "We'll see about that! And don't call me Periwinkle! My name is Kara now!"  
Lina, Zelgadis, Amelia and Syphiel turned to leave the two sisters to their argument. It was no concern of theirs.  
'Besides,' Lina thought quietly to herself. 'If its anything like the fights big sis' and me used to have...." She couldn't finish the thought and shivered involuntarily.  
"Periwinkle! You can't fight fate!" Marigold said raising her hands above her head. "FLARE ARROW" she declared, drawing a fiery arrow across her chest and releasing it towards her sister. "GOURRY-SAMA IS MINE!"  
"WHAT! GOURRY!" came a collective shout. Their confusion turned to abject shock at what they witnessed next._  
  
Shock, fright, gasp. Please, you're killing me with suspense, Mimarhan deadpanned.  
  
Would that work on a Sue? Laih wondered aloud.  
  
Probably not, unfortunately. I bet we can kill them with logic, though, Mimarhan replied.   
  
_Periwinkle, a.k.a. Kara, made absolutely no effort to avoid the flare arrow that raced towards her. She smiled as it came within a foot of her person and then veered dramatically up the staircase.  
"Wha?" Marigold said bewildered. As far as she knew Periwinkle had no magic skills whatsoever... especially not skill enough to do that. Lina's group was just as perplexed, until they saw a second figure descending the stairs. His sword of light pulsated with the energy of the absorbed flare arrow.  
Gourry Gabriev reached the bottom of the stairs and with his free hand embraced Periwinkle from behind, wrapping his long arm around her slim waist._  
  
Mimarhan pointed the CAD at Gourry, out of curiosity.  
  
Gourry Gabriev: CANON/NONCANON? Status: 97.2% OOC CHARACTER RUPTURE!!!! SHINYHAPPYSPARKLIEPINKUNICORNS NEED DISINFECTANT, IODINE AND DOGS!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Mimarhan quickly dropped the device; it had started to short circuit, and sparks were flying from it. He seems to be out of character, Laih noted.  
  
Thank you, Captain Obvious of the U.S.S. No Duh.  
  
_ Periwinkle's smile grew even larger looking at the startled faces before her. This was just the beginning of the surprises she had in store. Gourry was just the first step in achieving her goals. She leaned her head back and Gourry leaned forward, giving her a passionate kiss.  
It was all Marigold could stand; she readied her next attack.   
It was all Syphiel could stand. Tears starting to form in her eyes, she stepped forward to ask Gourry 'why?'.  
Zelgadis just stood by blinking; even he was shocked by what he was seeing.  
Amelia was about to race forward to demand Gourry's penitence, but before doing so spared a glance at Lina.  
For a while, Lina just stood in place, her head canted to the floor and her hands shaking at her sides._  
  
Funny, that's kind of what we're doing now! Mimarhan said with a forced smile on her face. None of this really makes any sense! Did this Sue blatantly ignore all of NEXT? I mean, what's canon, really? Who cares about it?  
  
It's such a pity, too! This author has decent grammar, and, if she had developed the story and avoided seducing Gourry with her 3v1! Sues, this could have been a decent story! I have hope for this author. I do! Laih said, smiling.  
  
How in the world can you be so happy about this? Mimarhan asked in amazement.  
  
Well, I always look for the best in a situation like this! Here, for example, I'm happy cause Xellos was left out (she would have butchered him), I'm happy that the author shows potential and can learn from her mistakes, I'm very happy that I have a new pet, and I'm happy that we get to kill these Sues! See? Lots of reasons to be happy! Laih said, beaming.  
  
You are so weird. Do you know that? I'm really disturbed by you, Mimarhan said, edging away from the tall agent and the Mini.   
  
You know, when we kill the Sues, we should probably do it away from the canons. That way, we don't have to fight them! Gourry-san is still under the influence, and everyone here is a good fighter. I don't really want to battle three magic users at a time. It doesn't work, Laih said thoughtfully, patting the Mini-Shabranigdu absentmindedly.  
  
Yeah, fine. I have rope in my bag to tie them up with. Mimarhan agreed, not anxious to fight a Sue-possessed Gourry Gabriev. You gonna do something?  
  
Yep yep! Laih said, snuggling Syphiel and smiling.  
  
_" PERIWINKLE!" she shouted, forcibly pushing her way in front of the crowd. "I don't care what you do with Gourry! Just give me his sword!"  
Periwinkle broke the kiss and frowned at the group. "You mean this sword?"  
On cue, Gourry lowered the sword of light and aimed it at his friends and Marigold releasing the energy of the stored flare arrow. The blast threw them all to the floor. Periwinkle smirked evilly down at them.  
"By the way, my name is not Periwinkle. It's Kara..."  
Gourry, his eyes incredibly focused, his voice forceful, finished for her.  
"Queen of Souls."_  
  
Okay, that is IT!! a voice thundered, accompanied by the sound of a fist being banged on a table. Everyone turned to look at the speaker. It was a small gray troll, and it was accompanied by a much larger green troll and a small... _thing_. Laih, whatever you're gonna do, do it now!  
  
Okie dokie! Laih quickly cast a sleep spell over everyone in the inn except Mimarhan. Thankfully, all had been startled senseless at the two trolls and the Mini- Shabranigdu that had suddenly appeared, and no one had time to counterspell. Mimarhan quickly hog tied both Sues, stuffing some cloth into their mouths to keep them silent. She then opened up a portal next to the Flickering. Laih roughly tossed each Sue into the portal, and, picking up her bag and Syphiel, she stepped through. Mimarhan gazed around the room, ensuring that no one was awake to follow them. She, too, grabbed her things and hopped through the portal, closing it behind her.  
  
Which one do you want, Laih? the short agent asked.   
  
Oh, I'll take the non- goth Sue! She's got magic powers, and I don't want you to get hurt! replied the tall one, happily smiling at the crowd. The short one nodded. Wake em up, will ya? Laih nodded, and cast a Flow Break on the two Sues. They woke up to the unpleasant faces of two leering trolls. Periwinkle started to scream through her gag, and Marigold tried to cast a spell. Neither worked, and only caused the agents to grin wider. The short gray troll took a deep breath, and pointed at Kara.  
  
she shouted, Periwinkle, also known as Kara, are charged with being a _Rebellius stupidificum gothica/ Middleschoolicus Buildlikeapornstarricus/ Sidhia tolkienii. _You are also charged with several breaches of canon, some of which include turning Gourry into a female statue, making him/her wear a skanky see-though shirt, making him sleep with you, making him fall in love with you-  
  
Which is quite silly, added the tall troll, Seeing as how he just met you, and he's already head over heels in love with Lina.  
  
You are also charged with several counts of abuse to the common comma, using sentence fragments, misspelling canon characters names, and changing your stupid name into another stupid name. I mean, come on, _Kara_? Lessee... oh yes! You are charged with abuse to ellipses, the inability to separate and indent each new paragraph. You ruptured the characters of Gourry Gabriev (beyond the point of recognition, I might add), Zelgadis Greywords, Lina Inverse, and Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun _horribly_, and invented a stupid prophecy to defy just to make yourself look SPESHUL and REBELLIOUS. Oh, you're hell on wheels, m'dear, but certainly not for the reasons you expect.   
  
Laih had been watching with interest as Mimarhan charged the Sue. The tall assassin noticed, out of the corner of her eye, the other Sue wriggling away, trying to escape. Laih dashed over to the elf and stood in front of her, stopping the Sue in her tracks. Oh, yeah! I'm so sorry Marigold-san! I'm supposed to be charging you while Mi-chan is charging your sister! How rude of me! Well, let's make up for lost time! Marigold, I charge you in the name of the PPC with almost everything that Mi-chan just said, except you don't rebel, and you're a _Spawnificus repulsivum/ Shidhia tolkienii_. Any last words? Laih asked, smiling.  
  
Mmhph! Mphmmhph! Marigold tried to cry.  
  
Okie dokie then! Laih said. Freeze Arrow! The Sue was instantly encased in a block of ice, looking terrified. Laih picked up the Sue-cicle, and threw it as hard as she could on the ground. It smashed to pieces, effectively killing the Sue. Syphiel timidly bit on one of the shattered remains, and found it tasty. The Mini happily proceeded to eat many of the Sue-cicle splinters.   
  
Yay! One down, one to go! Laih said, flashing a victory sign to no one.   
  
All this time, Mimarhan was still charging the Sue. I charge you with taking over the MOST POWERFUL MAZOKU'S JOB, which, by the way, goes completely against the very nature of an elf. They don't want to rule anybody! Lina had to go back in time to save those elves' sorry behinds! They don't do much by themselves, you stupid Sue. You created a Mini-Shabranigdu, turned Gourry into a cat, and, in conclusion, pissed off this PPC agent mightily. Any last words? Mimarhan asked, removing the gag.   
  
You can't do this to me! I'm the Queen of Souls! the Sue cried piteously.   
  
HA! Just tell that to Phibrizzo! He's the ONLY Soul Master around! No one else, got it? Well, if that was it, then goodbye, Sue! Mimarhan growled. She grabbed her club, and smashed the Sue in the side of the head as hard as she could. The Sue dropped like a stone, blood pouring down the side of her face.  
  
It smells like bubble gum! Laih said in amazement. And look, it's sparkly! Wow!  
  
Yeah, I know. Your new pet disposed of one body for us, now we have to dispose of this one. Any suggestions?  
  
Ooh! How about we dump her body in the mountains? Y'know, that mountain range Vrummy and Zangy had to climb in season one! Laih excitedly suggested.   
  
Vrummy? Zangy? Mimarhan asked, raising and eyebrow at the nicknames.  
  
Yeah! Vrumugen and Zangulus are long. Or better yet, how about we dump it in the Desert of Destruction? It's near Phibby's old domain, and there should be plenty of random Mazoku wandering around, Laih said hoisting the dead Sue over her troll shoulder.  
  
Phibby? As in Phibrizzo? You nickname everything, don't you? Yeah, all right. I can't think of anything else, Mimarhan replied, tapping the buttons on the remote activator. Soon, the pair were standing in the midst of a swirling desert. There was an oasis nearby, and the two agents and the Mini trekked through the sands over to it.   
  
Here! Let's dump it here! Since there's water here, there'll be animals too! And animals like vultures and hyenas eat dead meat, right? Laih said, gesturing at the oasis with her free hand.  
  
This is true, but I don't know if they eat meat with urple blood. It sparkles, too. How weird is that? Yeah, dump the body, I wanna go back to HQ. I'm tired, hot, and I need a shower. Mimarhan said, yawning and stretching. In her trollish body, it was slightly intimidating.   
  
Okie dokey! Laih replied, ungracefully depositing the Sue next to the foliage. Syphiel sniffed at it, curious. Oh, no, baby! You already had one Sue, and that is enough! You'll get sick if you eat too many! Soon enough, there were small lizards munching on the body.  
  
Our work here is finished, my friend. Let's vamoose. Mimarhan said, opening a portal back to HQ. The two stepped through the portal and into their room. Their disguises had vanished the second they stepped into their response center.  
  
Wow, Mi-chan! You're getting good at this! Mi-chan? Where are you? Laih asked. Mimarhan had vanished, dashing into the small bathroom as soon as she had arrived. Oh, well. So, Syphiel, this is your new home! It's small, but there are plenty of places to lurk! What do you think of it? The Mini ambled over to the computer desk and crawled underneath it, growling its approval.   
  
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Laih answered it, but there was no one there. There was a crate, though, and it was made out of a material Laih had never seen. It was a large crate, and on the sides was written DANGER, EXTREMELY HOT LIVE ANIMALS. KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN. Laih gingerly picked up the box, noting that it was pretty heavy. She put it down inside, shut the door, and opened the box. Inside were two Mini-Balrogs, and a note from Miss Cam.   
  
Dear Agent Laih,  
Enclosed are the two Minis Thundrell and Glorifindel. Please note that Upstairs forbids you to bring them on missions. Enjoy!  
  
Cheers!  
Miss Cam  
Head Coordinator,   
OFUM and MUSM  
  
P.S. Also enclosed are two Mini-Balrog fire resistant oven mitts.   
  
Wai! Wai! I got more Minis! Laih shouted, jumping up and down in her excitement.   
  
Good for you, Mimarhan grumbled, coming out of the bathroom. Shower's free, I'm gonna sleep.   
  
Hmm? Okay! Laih bounded into the bathroom. Mimarhan eyed the Minis. The Minis eyed her. They stayed that way for a while.  
  
Well, you guys are cute, I'll admit, Mimarhan finally said. Don't wreck the response center, and we'll give you bacon and Sue remains from our missions, okay? Laih emerged from the bathroom, and started to put away her things in the various cupboards around.   
  
Ne, Mi-chan, if you're going to sleep then I'm gonna go explore HQ with the Minis. Maybe I'll find the store! See you later! The large agent went out the door, the three Minis trailing behind her like strange ducklings. Mimarhan shrugged rolled over, and closed her eyes.   
  
It had been a very interesting first mission.

=======Agent Laih: Yosh! It's done! And I got Minis! Teena-sempai and Wyldehorse-sempai have a list of various anime Minis on their website, http:   
As far as Sues go, these two weren't _too _bad, since the author had a good grasp of the English language. Poor Gourry-san! I really love that guy, and he's so underrated! He deserves better!  
  
Agent Mimarhan: And lo, it was finished, and the Kamis saw it and were indifferent. This was fun, in a perverse way. They needed to die. Sues are 3v1l. Dunno what were doing next, but let us know if you found a Sue! 


End file.
